what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
