I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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