Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
