captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
