if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
