Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
