Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
