she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
