I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Welp...herpes.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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