Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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