I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
