Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize