Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize