If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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