uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
try to milk me bitch
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