im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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