I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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