I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
