Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize