dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
