ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Randomize
