Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize