I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
