i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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