Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Sext me about skeletons
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
