Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
