Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize
