I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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