So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
