Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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