Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
