I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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