if you like me you must not know who I am
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
