So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
My life is pants optional.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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