i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
