Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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