I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
