I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
