Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
