did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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