Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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