No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
