Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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