My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Two words: nipple clamps
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