so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
