The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
