After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
