I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
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