is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
