DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize