Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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