you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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