Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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