i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
