Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
