so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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