You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
