I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
