so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
