Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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