I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
That's how pantless uber rides happen
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
