He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
