And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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