i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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