The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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