I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize